Haters Gonna Hate, Lovers Gonna Love, And We’re Gonna Keep Getting Married!

This is it — probably the one and only time Roberto and I will feel anything close to a “media frenzy.” Since our 74th wedding on HuffPost Live this past Wednesday, we’ve had an overwhelming tidal wave of attention that has knocked the wind out of us a tiny bit.

Sure, we anticipated some attention around the concept of a One Year Wedding — we thought it would be pretty cool to share an alternative message of love with a wider audience, so we rolled with it.

And sure, we anticipated some negative attention around our story, too. At our 63rd wedding, when Roberto explained the concept to his family and friends, he acknowledged that from the outside, we might look “crazy”, “stupid”, or in his case, “whipped” — no surprise that this adventure would be perceived that way in a world where patriarchy still runs the show.

But we certainly weren’t prepared for the overwhelming cynicism and hatred we experienced when our wedding hit the Huffington Post, paired with the sweeping assumption that Roberto is a victim in all this — that I am forcing him, gun to head, to marry me every day for a year, and that we’ll be divorced before the year is through. “I would rather eat bleach” was the last comment we read before shutting down the computer to spend a tech-free day together.

Yes, it hurts to read those comments. But what hurts the most aren’t the attacks on us, but what these comments reflect about how people around the world see love and partnership. It can’t possibly be that we love each other, that we are both enjoying this experience, and especially that Roberto is a willing participant. No, Roberto is a poor fool I dragged kicking and screaming into a 365 day wedding hell ride.

I wonder if these commenters would feel the same if Roberto and I switched personalities — if I were the quiet, calm force in the relationship and Roberto was bouncing with energy and talking a little too much.

Why is it so unbelievable to people that someone like Roberto would want to marry his partner every day for a year? (Hint. Starts with “sex”, ends with “ism.”)

In the end, haters gonna hate, but lovers gonna love — and whether you believe it or not, The One Year Wedding is something we both want to do and love doing for us — strengthening our relationship and communication, creating a daily habit of taking time for one another, and having fun, even in the midst of hectic work schedules and all of life’s chaos. And because I’m not into “forcing” Roberto to do things, I am responding on the blog instead of him — blogging isn’t his thing and that’s cool. But if you want Roberto’s take on The One Year Wedding, you’ll get a pretty good idea by watching our 63rd ceremony, where Roberto explained to our San Cris family and friends why we chose to do this.

6 Responses to “Haters Gonna Hate, Lovers Gonna Love, And We’re Gonna Keep Getting Married!”

  1. What is upsetting about this is the question “what is it you are you trying to be different about”? To make straight followers feel like, “wow they are really in love”? This is by far one of the most heteronormative things I have ever seen. I would LOVE for you BOTH to respond to how any of your friends and/or followers who identify as queer might feel about this very public decision to “marry” everyday. Have you asked them? Do you care? You do not problematize the idea of marriage AT ALL for anyone who is involved in the critical conversations around marriage and queerness and these intersections. Do you consider yourself a queer ally or are you anti-queer? Do you even know what those conversations are? It also is extremely privileged on a multitude of levels: first of all, white girl in México who speaks spanish poorly with a “guapo” Mexican man (as one of the videos makes very clear), both clearly from a class comfortable enough together where you actually get to be together every day for 365 days, you have access to the media attention, the list goes on and on. Have you thought about these aspects of the “haters.” I’m perhaps a hater who doesn’t understand why you haven’t critically engaged in SINGLE ISSUE of what this brings up for people. Whether legally married or not, marriage as an institution and an ideology is very problematic. I’d like to hear you actually be self reflexive about this process. At least once.

    • Rachael Kay Albers
      Rachael Kay Albers March 23, 2014 at 1:52 am

      Yes, Dani. Thank you for your comments and questions — I have thought about them all and have not addressed all of them directly in the blog up until this point, partially because I don’t feel qualified to speak on marriage and the LGBTQ community. Yes, I have talked to my LGBTQ friends about these public weddings. The intersection of marriage and sexuality in today’s world has been a part of these discussions, but when it comes to that intersection, I do feel like my role is to listen and learn about it as much as I can, so I felt uncomfortable writing about in the blog.

      Our original intention for these weddings wasn’t to make a political statement — but to take the word “marriage” and interpret it in our own way and have fun with it — the blog was meant to be a way to keep family and friends involved. Because my family and friends have not met Roberto in person and might not make it down to meet us in the next year, we thought it would be a fun way for them to get to know him — so a HuffPost wedding sounded like a good idea for that reason. Additionally, I did have issues with the patriarchal traditions around marriage and despite being a heteronormative individual, I do consider myself to be an LGBTQ ally. I did attempt to address some of why we’re not choosing to be legally married and the historical and political implications of that decision in this blog post from last week:
      http://rachael-roberto.flywheelsites.com/if-a-tree-gets-married-in-the-forest-without-a-priest-or-a-judge-does-it-still-make-a-wedding/

      As a white girl in México who is quite conscious of my clunky gringa accent, I do engage critically in topics of class and privilege and race and gender in my work and life, but the one year wedding is something that ultimately is a personal experience with Roberto. That said, we are both very conscious of the privilege of running a business from home, which allows us to be together more than many working couples around the world.

      In the end, our choice to do a year of weddings was more about cultivating a lifestyle of conscious and intentional lovemaking — making, practicing, creating love in our relationship and with those around us. It is indeed an experiment and we both feel we’re learning along the way. Part of that is raising our consciousness about and being sensitive to how our weddings — and the way we talk about them — affect those around us, so thank you for sharing your questions and thoughts on this post because I do believe what you addressed was an “elephant in the room” that we were not acknowledging.

  2. Aw, Rachael! I’m catching up on The Tonight Show and caught your monologue mention – I had no idea you guys were getting so much media attention! I’m blown away. Congrats, but egck – sorry to see the haters coming out of the woodwork. I can appreciate a passing joke, but the people who are honestly criticizing or upset with you … double you tee eff. You’re such a sweetheart, and 365 weddings couldn’t be more fitting! Hope your year keeps getting better 🙂

    • Rachael Kay Albers
      Rachael Kay Albers March 30, 2014 at 3:50 pm

      Thanks so much, Dana <3 Honestly, I don't mean to invalidate people who disagree with our weddings by calling anyone who has a question a "hater" because I do understand the questions some might have about this experience and why we're doing it...so just learning along the way! And keeping the focus on the ritual of choosing each other each day 😉 Thank you! <3

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